


Get to know myself in the place I am (get to fall in love with another man)

by justhockey



Series: Sing To Me Instead [1]
Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Accidental Outing, Alcohol, Angst, Brief Willy/OMCs, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Insecure Willy, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 12:42:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18366254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justhockey/pseuds/justhockey
Summary: “Who was that?” Zach asks.Willy shrugs, doesn’t bother to answer. It’s not like it matterswho, it just matters that he was a guy, apparently.Zach groans, “Jesus Christ.”If Willy flinches, well, it’s cold out. That’s all.“You can’t just,” Zach starts, but he trails off, running a hand through his hair.“You don’t have toworry,” Willy spits out, because Zach’s clear disapproval is hurting something bad.





	Get to know myself in the place I am (get to fall in love with another man)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from _Older_ by Ben Platt.

The Bye Week is always a welcome break, it gives everyone a chance to recuperate and catch up on all the sleep they’re definitely missing out on. It’s not long enough for Willy to fly back to Sweden though, which kind of sucks, but whatever. Most of the team has gone home, at least for a few days, leaving Willy in Toronto basically by himself. And like, sure, he could rest up. But honestly, Willy gets plenty of sleep anyway, and he’s perfectly healthy. So. He decides to use the down time to fix another little, er, _problem_ of his. 

So here’s the thing. Willy knows people think he’s attractive - he’s not sure why, honestly, he just doesn’t think he’s anything special - and he knows they expect him to hook up a lot. But he doesn’t. There are two main reasons for that: first, he’s like, _really fucking gay_ , and second, he’s very much in love with one Zachary Hyman. Which. Not fun, if he’s honest. 

Like, sure, Zach is possibly (definitely) the best person Willy has ever known, and he’s kinder than should be legal. But being gay and in love with your teammate when you’re in the NHL? Not what Willy would describe as fun, even with all the _You Can Play_ stuff. So, he decides he’s going to use the bye week to fix it. 

Not the gay part, obviously, he’s not so messed up that he thinks being gay is like, wrong, or anything (okay, maybe he did a _little_ , but Auston patiently guided him through his gay awakening). But he definitely needs to fix the Zach situation. He’s not sure _how_ exactly, because it was Zach that actually made him realise he was gay. Like, he just thought hooking up with girls was supposed to be shitty. So if Zach was _special_ enough - ew - to make Willy see how repressed he was, then he’s not entirely sure how he’s gonna get over him in a week. But fuck, he’s willing to try anything. 

Which is why he finds himself at some hole in the wall bar in a part of the city he’s only been to maybe twice before. And like, it’s pretty cool, actually. The music isn’t too loud - which is always a side effect of letting Mitch choose where the team drinks - and the drinks are good. Plus, the company isn’t too bad either. 

The guy, Max, is definitely into Willy. He’s pressed up against his side and his hand is resting on Willy’s arm as he leans in to whisper in his ear. And Willy isn’t stupid, okay, he’s already asked about the guys interests, and he couldn’t care _less_ about hockey if he tried. Now that sucks for conversation, seeing as Willy is like 90% hockey talk, but it does mean that he has zero clue who Willy actually is, which is a rare thing in Toronto. He seems nice enough, too. He’s tall, with broad shoulders, dark hair, and a wide smile. And _yes_ , Willy knows he looks like a cheap, knock off version of Zach, but he can’t _help_ it, okay. Leave him alone. 

They’re in a far corner of the bar, and Willy’s back is flush into the wall while Max presses against him. And it’s not bad. Like, _at all_. Then Max leans in closer and kisses Willy, and yeah. That’s nice, or whatever. Willy doesn’t hesitate to reciprocate, reaching his hands up to tangle his hands in Max’s hair and hold him close. Willy let’s Max take control, happy to just go with the flow, enjoying the way he licks his tongue into Willy’s mouth and pushes his shoulders harder into the wall. 

They’re both breathless when Max pulls away, a lazy grin on his face. Willy can’t help but smile back, because yeah. He’s _definitely_ gay. Not that he was ever doubting it, but he doesn’t get to hook up very often when the team are around, and he’s missed the way it feels to have a guy manhandle him a little. Sure, he’s not Zach, but - oh. 

_Oh_. 

That _is_ Zach. 

His eyes are trained on Willy and he’s walking right over to where he and Max are huddled in the corner, a frown marring his usually happy face. And _fuck_. There’s no way he didn’t see what Willy was just doing, and even if he hadn’t, the way Max is trying to kiss Willy’s neck is probably a give away.

His heart just fucking drops, because this was _not_ supposed to happen. No one other than Auston was ever supposed to find out, at least, not until he was retired. But now Zach knows, one of the people who matters most to Willy, and he looks so angry. Willy thinks he might start to cry. 

He pushes against Max’s chest to get him to stop kissing along his collar bone. With a sickly smile and a quick apology, Willy ducks under his arm and walks forward until he’s standing toe to toe with Zach. He can’t breathe, but he usually gets a little breathless around Zach anyway, so that isn’t really anything new. The feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach is an unwelcome addition though. 

He forces himself to look up, to meet Zach’s eye, and he’s just grateful Zach can’t hear the way he gasps over the music playing. Zach’s eyes are normally such a warm brown, but Willy can’t help but notice how they look harsh, cold now. He tilts his head towards the side door then begins walking towards it. Willy _could_ just bolt, but let’s be real, he’d follow Zach anywhere. So he trails after him and slips out of the door that supposed to be a fire exit. 

Zach is leaning against the wall on the opposite side of the alley, his eyes focused on Willy. 

“Willy,” he says. 

“Don’t.” 

Willy doesn’t want to talk about it, doesn’t know how to. Not when Zach is looking at him like that, like he’s angry and disappointed all in one. It makes Willy’s skin crawl, because out of everyone, he expected Zach to be the most accepting. He’s the YCP _ambassador_ for god’s sake. But Willy figures that doesn’t really mean much, if the way his fists are clenched by his side is anything to go by. 

“Who was that?” Zach asks. 

Willy shrugs, doesn’t bother to answer. It’s not like it matters _who_ , it just matters that he was a guy, apparently. 

Zach groans, “Jesus Christ.”

If Willy flinches, well, it’s cold out. That’s all. 

“You can’t just,” Zach starts, but he trails off, running a hand through his hair. 

“You don’t have to _worry_ ,” Willy spits out, because Zach’s clear disapproval is hurting something bad. 

Zach looks a little startled at that, like maybe he was expecting Willy to be all apologetic. But fuck that. He’d had enough of Auston’s pep talks to know that he should _never_ apologise for who he is. 

“I’m leaving, see you at practice,” Willy says, then turns and begins walking down the alley. 

If he was expecting Zach to say something, to stop him, he would have been disappointed. He doesn’t say a word, Willy doesn’t even hear him move, so he just carries on walking, all the way home. 

He manages to hold back the tears until he gets over the threshold of his apartment, but the second the door closes behind him he feels the tears fall from eyes and roll down his cheeks. He manages to get undressed as he chokes back the sobs threatening to spill out from his chest, but once he’s in bed, burrowed under the covers, he lets it all out. 

Fuck. He _knew_ coming out was risky, that was why he’d avoided it, but this was _Zach_. If anyone was going to be fine with it, it was supposed to have been him. And the worst part is, Willy still wants him, is scared that he’s always going to. 

*

Willy has two days of being allowed to avoid Zach. Zach tries to call him three times over those two days, but Willy never answers, doesn’t need to hear how reckless he was, how he could have embarrassed the team, how disgusting he is. And Zach doesn’t try to call again after that. 

Auston is in San Jose for the All Star Game, so it’s not like he can call him to cry about it. Well, he could. And he’s fairly certain Auston would listen no matter how busy he was. But still, he doesn’t want to be a nuisance. So he holes up in his apartment for the next two days, avoiding the world until bye week is over. 

Unfortunately for Willy, two days definitely isn’t enough time to handle his shit. The second he steps into the locker room for practice, and sees Zach talking to Mango as they get into their gear, his heart practically jumps out of his chest. He’d thought it was bad not being able to talk to Zach, but seeing him right there and knowing he thinks there’s something _wrong_ with Willy, that just makes his entire body hurt. 

“Willy!” Mitch yells excitedly, and Willy can’t help but smile. 

But when he sees Zach glance in his direction, then immediately turn away when he catches Willy’s eye, the smile quickly falls from his face. And okay. Willy is good at hiding his feelings, like, really good. So he quickly rearranges his face into a casual smile as he greets everyone. Except, Auston is his bro. Like, Kappy is obviously his best friend, but Auston _knows_. Which means when he pulls Willy into a hug, and sees the look on his face, he can tell something is wrong. 

“I’m coming over for chel after,” Auston informs Willy, his eyebrows raised as if daring Willy to protest. 

“Sure,” Willy agrees, “you can tell me about how bad you played at the All Star Game,” he chrips, earning a laugh from the locker room. 

And Willy must look pretty messed up, because Auston doesn’t even chirp him back, just rolls his eyes, shoves Willy’s shoulder, and finishes getting changed. 

Willy has managed to keep the fact that he’s gay from all but two of his teammates, which means he’s pretty good at pretending everything is fine, even if it actually feels like the end of the world. So practice goes smoothly, and no one can tell that Willy is permanently terrified that Zach is just gonna blurt out his secret for everyone to hear. And let’s face it, hockey players are kind of oblivious, so no one notices that he and Zach don’t even speak for the entire practice either.

Willy definitely notices though, and he _misses_ Zach, which is stupid because Zach is a homophobe and Willy doesn’t need that kind of negativity in his life. But. It’s _Zach_ , who was always one of Willy’s best friends, and they play fucking _great_ hockey together. And he just misses him, is all. 

No big deal. 

Except, it’s a really big deal, which is made abundantly clear when he starts crying the second he and Auston sit down to play chel. Auston doesn’t say anything at first, just slings an arm over Willy’s shoulder and lets Willy curl into his side as he cries. Honestly, Willy doesn’t know how he would have gotten through his gay awakening without Auston. He’s like, a really good cuddler, and actually gives good advice. Plus, he has a lot more feelings than his face let’s on. 

“What’s going on, bud?” Auston eventually asks, once Willy’s crying has subsided. 

“Zach,” Willy replies.

“Did something happen? Or are you just, like, in love with him, still?”

“Something happened,” Willy confirms. 

Auston shifts at that. Willy groans in protest when he has to move off of Auston’s shoulder so he can look at him. Auston is frowning as he observes Willy, as if he’s trying to figure out what happened just by looking into Willy’s eyes. 

“What happened?” He asks, and Willy knows he’s ready to fight, like, anyone he needs to. 

“I didn’t realise he was still in Toronto,” Willy begins, “I was out at a bar, with this guy, and like, Zach saw me.”

Auston’s frown deepens, “So, he knows?”

Willy bites his lip and nods. He’s scared that if he tries to speak he’ll just start crying again. And like, he’s well aware that he cries way more than any hockey player should. 

“Okay, but it’s Zach? It’s not like he’s gonna have a problem with it?”

And that kind of validates Willy’s pain. Because if even Auston thinks Zach would be okay with it, then it makes Willy’s shock at Zach’s reaction a little more justified. 

He shakes his head, “He was so pissed at me.”

“What?” Auston exclaims, “You’re joking?”

Willy shakes his head again, “He made me follow him outside and he looked all angry and like, disappointed? And then he told me I couldn’t do that,” Will ignores Auston’s expression, “so I just left. He tried to call me a few times but I didn’t wanna hear him yell at me.”

This time it’s Auston who shakes his head, frowning in disbelief. And yeah. Willy gets that. Because even after seeing and hearing it himself, after having it confirmed at practice when Zach couldn’t even stand to be near him, it’s still kind of hard for Willy to believe that Zach, of all people, could be homophobic. 

“Will, buddy, are you sure? ‘Cos this is _Zach_ we’re talking about? He threatened tape our sticks with the pride tape himself if we didn’t do it?”

And yeah. That’s true. He had been aggressively passionate about making sure they did pride night properly and everyone participated. Which is exactly why Willy had assumed that, if he ever chose to come out, he’d have Zach’s support. But there was no mistaking the look on his face after he’d seen Willy making out with that guy. So. 

Willy shrugs, “I know, but he was mad at me Aus, and he couldn’t even look at me at practice.”

Auston ponders that for a while. He’s clearly thinking hard if the way he’s furrowing his brow and chewing on his lip is anything to go by. Will appreciates it. He’s used to people dismissing his concerns as overly dramatic. Which, like, okay, he is a _bit_ dramatic. But still. He has real problems too, _Naz_. 

“Maybe it was a misunderstanding?” Auston finally says, “You should talk to him.”

And yeah, sometimes Auston gives great advice, but this is not one of those times. Willy knows he’s trying to help, but talking to Zach is literally the last thing on earth he wants to do right now. So. Thanks but no thanks. 

“Shut up,” Willy grumbles, “you should talk to Mitch.”

That quickly gets Auston to stop talking and change the subject, because if anything can get Auston to be quiet, it’s bringing up the fact that he’s head over fucking heels for one Mitchell Marner, but refuses to do anything about it. And like, Willy gets that okay, obviously he does, but there’s no world in which Mitch doesn’t love Auston back. So. Things are different for Auston than they are for Willy. 

Either way, they’re both in love and really sad about it, so they play chel and order Thai food for dinner to cheer themselves up. 

* 

Willy’s fine. Honestly, he is. 

He hasn’t spoken to Zach in almost two weeks, but whatever. Like, obviously they have to communicate on the ice, but other than that they haven’t had a single conversation. Zach barely even glances in his direction. Even Auston has accepted that he’s being weird, though he won’t drop the suggestion that Willy should talk to him. And he could, you know, _talk_ to Zach, but why should he? He doesn’t need to explain himself to someone who doesn’t respect who he is. 

So Willy is _fine_. 

Which is why he’s out by himself, at a club that he doesn’t recognise, with a guy who’s name he can’t remember sucking hickeys across his neck. Honestly, he’s so drunk it’s a miracle he can remember his _own_ name at this point. But he’s having fun. Zach doesn’t want him, doesn’t even want to be his _friend_ , so Willy is gonna do whatever he needs to to forget about him. And if that includes hooking up with a guy who’s a little too rough and a little too mean for Willy’s liking, well, so be it. 

The music is too loud and it’s too hot and Willy kind of feels like he’s suffocating, though. And as much as he keeps trying to push Zach out of his mind, the way this guy digs his nails into Willy’s hips just makes him think about how _gentle_ Zach is. Was. Whatever. 

He pulls away, because he _really_ can’t breathe now, and the stranger tells him to go fuck himself when Willy says he has to go. He’s drunk, very, _very_ drunk, but still not so far gone that he can force himself into bed with a stranger who’s probably left bruises on Willy’s waist and wrists. So he pushes his way through the crowd of people and towards the exit, gasping for breath when he finally manages to make it outside. 

*

Willy should be surprised when he finds himself outside of Zach’s apartment twenty minutes later without being entirely sure how he got there, but honestly he’s too far gone to care at this point. He’s cold and he’s drunk and he’s - oh - he’s _crying_ , apparently. He isn’t sure when that started, or why, though he can probably guess that part. He’s a mess, is the point. So he can’t really be blamed when he starts hammering his fist onto Zach’s apartment door. 

He’s vaguely aware that it’s, like, three in the morning, so Zach definitely would have been sleeping, because he’s absolutely the kind of guy who goes to bed at half past ten every night. But Willy isn’t exactly in control of, well, _anything_ right about now. So again, he can’t be blamed. 

And if he thought he was crying a lot before, well he’s practically hysterical when Zach opens the door. He’s somewhat aware of the fact that Zach looks fucking _adorable_ all sleep rumpled, because no amount of crying could distract Willy from that, but then Zach’s expression quickly shifts to something Willy can’t place and he starts to feel a bit sick. It’s only partly because of the alcohol. 

“Willy? Jesus, come in,” Zach says, reaching a hand out to pull Willy inside. 

Will is acutely aware that Zach hasn’t touched him - other than to cross check him in practice - since the night that he found out. He hates himself for practically leaning into the touch as he steps into Zach’s apartment, shivering and crying, and just a whole ass mess. 

“I know,” he hiccups, “I know I shouldn’t be here, but I had to, I had to,” Willy says, not really sure what it is that he’s trying to say. 

His head feels kind of fuzzy as Zach leads him into the living room, so he’s not really sure what Zach is saying to him, he’s just aware of his voice. Willy is so attuned to Zach’s voice it’s actually pitiful. 

“Willy, what’s going on?” Zach asks, sounding so worried that Willy’s heart feels like it’s breaking all over again. 

And honestly that just makes him mad, because he can’t _ignore_ Willy for weeks, then pretend to be all worried. 

“Stop with that, fake concern, and shit, ‘cos you don’t Zach, you don’t, and I want you to but you _don’t_ , and I _hate_ it,” Willy rambles, and he’s drunk and sad okay, so it’s not exactly coherent. 

“Will, what? I don’t understand?” Zach tries again, resting his hand on Willy’s shoulder. 

He pulls away from Zach, trying to stand up but falling over his own feet so Zach has to reach out to steady him. 

“ _Don’t_. Don’t touch me, ‘cos that’s not fair, you know? Like, why would you want to anyway, you can’t stand it,” Willy continues, stumbling over his words. 

He’s crying still, and he reaches up to wipe the tears from his cheeks. Zach looks like he’s in actual pain, Willy notices, and it hurts his heart _so much_ that being around Willy is so hard for Zach. He can’t decide if he wants to cry more, or yell, because Willy didn’t _choose_ to be gay, but Zach is choosing to hate him for it, and that’s not Willy’s fault. Like. Lots of things _are_ Willy’s fault, but he’s fairly certain this isn’t one of those things. 

“Willy, you’re not making any sense,” Zach says calmly. 

“I just, I just can’t, Zach,” Willy whimpers, tears starting to fall yet again. 

“Alright, it’s alright, Will. Let’s just get you to bed, yeah? We can figure this out in the morning.”

Suddenly he’s just, drained. There’s no anger, or sadness, or _anything_ left in Willy, so he lets Zach wrap an arm around his waist and guide him through the apartment. They end up in a room Willy hasn’t been in before, the guest room, he assumes, and Zach sits him down on the bed. He should be doing something, Willy thinks, but then Zach is kneeling down in front of him to take his shoes off and Willy’s heart just, like. Shatters. How can he be _so good_ to Willy, but be so mad at him for being gay?

And then Zach is taking Willy’s jacket off and tugging his T-shirt over his head, then undoing his jeans too, holding Willy’s hands so he can stand up and kick them off without falling over. And it’s all way, way too much for Willy. He can barely breathe, having Zach be so caring. Having Zach _touch him_ so gently, so different to that guy from the bar. Then willy can’t stop thinking about the hickeys on his neck and the bruises that are probably on his hips, and he falls backwards onto the bed, just wanting to forget everything. 

*

When Willy wakes up the next morning, his head is pounding, his throat is scratchy, and his mouth tastes like how old socks smell. He opens his eyes slowly, trying to acclimatise to the sun that’s shining in through the gap in the blinds. He looks around the room and his stomach drops when he realises he’s not at home. Willy closes his eyes again, trying to piece together the events of the night before so he can figure out where the _fuck_ he is. 

It comes back to him in flashes. The club, like, six too many shots, the guy, and then, oh. Zach. 

He opens his eyes again. He’s in Zach’s guest room, and there’s a glass of water and two tylenol on the bedside cabinet. He figures he couldn’t have fucked up too bad last night, if Zach had bothered to leave them there for him, and he sits up to take the tablets and down the water. He instantly feels at least a little better, so he drags himself out of the bed. 

There’s a pile of clothes on the dresser that Zach has clearly left for him, because his own clothes from last night are missing. His breath catches at that, when he remembers that Zach had undressed him. As he gets dressed he tries to remember how he got to Zach’s, what he had said once he arrived, but for the life of him his brain can’t piece those bits of information together. He feels sick. Partly because he consumed his body weight in alcohol last night, but mostly because he can’t remember what he said to Zach, if he had confessed how he felt in a drunken, emotional haze. 

He uses the fresh toothbrush that had been left in the guest bathroom and splashes cold water on his face to try and make himself a little more alert. As much as he doesn’t want the first conversation he has with Zach in over two weeks to happen like this, he knows he can’t hide out forever. He takes a breath and opens the bedroom door, then heads down the hallway to the living room/kitchen area. 

Zach is standing in the kitchen brewing coffee, looking out the window with his back to Willy. Willy’s chest tightens, because fuck. He doesn’t know how to do this. He’s missed Zach so much, but he’s so mad at him too, and he has no idea if what he said last night made things even more complicated. 

“Uh, hi,” Willy says. Because he’s clearly very eloquent. 

Zach startles and turns around, smiling slightly when he looks at Willy. And of course, Willy smiles back, because he’s fucking whipped, and like, can never stay mad at Zach, even if he deserves it. 

“Hey,” Zach says, “Coffee?” He offers, holding up a mug. 

“Please,” Will replies, walking forward to take the mug out of Zach’s hand. 

“I was just about to bring it in to you,” Zach says softly. 

Willy’s heart skips a beat. Because apparently he’s a teenage girl in a rom-com now. 

“Thanks.”

“I put your clothes in the wash because there was beer all over them, they should be dry soon though,” Zach says casually, as if saying something like that isn’t gonna make Willy swoon. 

“Thank you,” he manages to say, and Zach just nods in response. 

They stand in the kitchen for a while, each of them sipping their coffee, but neither of them saying a word. It’s a little awkward for sure, but less so than Willy was expecting, and he’s relieved about that. He can’t help but hope that Zach has had time to calm down and get over the whole, you know, _gay thing_ , by now. 

“So, uh,” Willy says, breaking the silence once he’s finished his coffee. “Did I, like, say anything dumb last night?”

Zach pauses, his mug halfway to his mouth, and he gets that look on is face that he often gets on the ice, when he’s thinking really hard about something. Willy tries not to think about how cute it is, because. Really? That’s _not_ helpful. He waits, subconsciously pulling at the drawstrings of the sweats he’s wearing. 

“You didn’t say anything _dumb_ ,” Zach finally says, but his face is kind of twisted. 

Willy winces, “That’s not filling me with confidence,” he says, “What did I tell you?”

This is it. It has to be. He’d told Zach how he felt about him, or something along those lines, and he’d made things between them even worse. He couldn’t even bring himself to look up from the floor to meet Zach’s eye. 

“Willy,” Zach says, and Willy can see Zach’s feet take a step closer to him, “calm down, okay? I don’t really know _what_ you were trying to say last night. You were so drunk, you made like, no sense.”

And fuck if Willy doesn’t let out the biggest breath at hearing that. He knows he can be a messy drunk, the team has enough photos and videos to prove it, and normally he hates it. But for once it’s served him well, because the fact that he turns into an incompetent disaster after a shot or two meant that, even if he had _tried_ to tell Zach, he hadn’t understood. 

“Oh, okay, good,” he replies, feeling instantly lighter. 

“I still think we should talk though,” Zach says. 

Ah fuck. 

“What about?” Willy asks, trying to appear nonchalant but only achieving terrified. 

“Will, buddy, you were _really_ upset last night. Like, I couldn’t understand what you were talking about because you were crying so much,” Zach says. 

He begins walking into the living room, turning around slightly to make sure Willy is following him. Willy does, obviously, even though he feels like his legs could give way at any minute. Zach sits down on the couch, tucking one leg underneath him, and Willy sits on the opposite side, as far away from Zach as he can possibly get. 

“I was just drunk, man,” Willy says, laughing awkwardly. 

Zach frowns. “That wasn’t just drunk,” he pauses, plucking at a loose thread on the couch, “I know we’re not really friends at the moment, but I’m here if you want to talk.”

Which, is pretty much the last thing Willy ever expected to hear. Like, he’s really not sure what’s happening. At all. Because Zach is supposed to be uncomfortable at the least, angry at the worst, with the gay thing, but he was so good to Willy last night, and now he’s offering to talk? Willy feels like he’s missed something. 

“I don’t think it’s something you wanna hear about,” Willy says, avoiding eye contact again. 

“What do you mean?” Zach asks, looking all confused and adorable. 

“I’m gay, Zach,” Willy replies, his voice barely even a whisper. 

He’s not sure why he said it, is fairly certain it’s a bad idea to confirm whatever suspicions Zach already had, but Willy is just _tired_ of it all. 

“Okay,” Zach says slowly, “I mean, is that why you were so upset?”

And. What? Surely Zach should be saying something else, like he had that night in the alleyway. Something about how Will _can’t_ , because it’s wrong. 

“Is that all you have to say?” Will asks, feeling kind of frustrated. 

“Well, what else do you want me to say?”

“You had plenty to say that night in the bar,” Willy argues, standing up and stepping away from the couch. 

Zach opens his mouth, then closes it again, like he doesn’t know how to reply. Good. Willy deserves to have the upper hand for fucking _once_. 

“Willy, that night I-“

“No,” he interrupts, “I know, okay? You don’t have to tell me how wrong you think it is again, I got that the first time.”

Zach practically flinches at that, and he stands up so he’s level with Willy. He looks beyond confused, and Willy feels at least a little vindicated, because Zach has been fucking with his head for at least a year now, even if he didn’t know it for the most part. 

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“The way you looked at me at the bar, after you’d seen me with that guy? I know what disgust looks like, Zach. And then you tried to tell me that I can’t fucking be gay,” Willy laughs bitterly, “and you’ve ignored me ever since. So don’t try and play innocent.”

Willy is, like, really fucking angry, to be quite honest. Willy had spent months freaking out over his sexuality. It had taken Auston what felt like forever to get him to accept himself, and then it had taken a matter of seconds for Zach to almost shatter all of the confidence he’d built. He did _not_ get to play the fucking victim. 

“What?” Zach practically chokes, “I never said you can’t be gay! What the fuck, William?”

And Zach looks pissed now, too, though Willy can’t figure out why. Because he’s the bigot in this conversation, he has no right to be mad at Willy. 

“Yes you did!”

Zach takes a second to think, and then a look of realisation crosses over his face. He lets out a breath, sounding almost defeated, then sits back down on the couch. Willy is trying really hard not to cry again, when Zach looks back at him. And his eyes are so warm and soft and Willy _hates_ it, hates how he’s still in love with the guy when all he does is hurt him. He’s pretty sure a therapist would have a field day with that. 

“Willy, I wasn’t saying you can’t be gay, no, listen,” he says when Willy rolls his eyes, “I just didn’t want you hooking up with some stranger. You said you didn’t even know who he was, I didn’t want you going home with him and then end up getting outed, or something.”

Willy’s breathing falters a little. 

“Oh, so you just didn’t want me to embarrass the team?”

Zach closes his eyes briefly and breathes deeply, “I didn’t want some stranger outing you without your permission. You’re not even out to the team, Will, I figured you wouldn’t want the entire world knowing.”

Willy can’t fully process what he’s hearing. Zach was trying to look out for him? Like, honestly that fits more with the type of person Zach is, Willy can’t deny that, but. He saw the look on Zach’s face, and he’d ignored him for the past two weeks. That wasn’t for no reason. 

“So why haven’t you spoken to me since it happened?” Willy asks, and he’s embarrassed by how fragile and needy he sounds. 

Zach reaches a hand out. He takes hold of Willy’s wrist and tugs on it until Willy takes a few steps forward, then finally sits down on the couch. Much to Willy’s disappointment, Zach lets go of him, but he does shuffle closer, so his knee is pressing into Willy’s thigh. 

“I tried calling you, but you didn’t pick up. I figured you were upset that I’d found out before you were ready to tell me, and when you avoided me at practice, I thought you might have been mad, you know, that I knew. I just wanted to give you space Will,” Zach explains. 

And oh, okay. 

Willy almost doesn’t want to believe him. Like, he’d spent so much time convinced that Zach was repulsed by him that it seems impossible now, that Zach was actually just trying to do right by Willy all along. But really, that’s just such a _Zach_ thing to do. When Willy looks up, the way that Zach is smiling at him pretty much confirms that he’s telling the truth. 

“So, you don’t hate me?”

He expects Zach to like, laugh. Or something. Instead he just looks pained, and Willy thinks he sees tears welling in his eyes, but that’s probably just his imagination. 

“God, Willy, of _course_ I don’t hate you,” Zach sighs, resting his hand on Willy’s knee. 

He knew it had been tearing him up inside, but he hadn’t realised just how much until Zach said those words, and Willy felt like he could breathe properly for the first time since he’d met Zach’s eyes across that bar. 

“I don’t think _anyone_ could hate you, Will, you’re all, like, perfect, and stuff,” Zach says, chuckling lightly. 

Willy absolutely doesn’t swoon at that, okay. He _doesn’t_. 

“God, Zach, I’m _so_ sorry,” he says. 

He rests his elbows on his knees and holds his head in his hands. He’d spent weeks avoiding Zach instead of just fucking _talking_ to him (shut _up_ , Auston), and he’d hurt himself, and Zach in the process. What a fucking mess. Willy is so mad at himself, that he’d let things get this bad with Zach without doing anything about it. If he hadn’t been such a coward all of this would have been settled weeks ago. 

“Hey, no, stop it,” Zach says, gently squeezing the back of Willy’s neck, “you didn’t do anything wrong, okay? You were scared, I should have made more of an effort to talk you.”

Willy shakes his head, because Zach doesn’t deserve to take the blame for this, he really _hadn’t_ done anything wrong. 

“I’m sorry, I was just _so sure_ you were mad at me when you saw me with that guy.”

Zach lets out a sigh. He moves his hand away from Will’s neck and places it in his lap, glancing down at his hands to avoid looking at Willy. He immediately tenses, waiting for whatever it is that Zach is gonna say. 

“I mean, okay, I was a little mad, not _at_ you,” he rushes to reassure Willy, “but I was kinda mad. I’m sorry that you thought I wasn’t okay with it, though, you didn’t deserve that.”

“Why were you mad?” Willy asks. 

“I just, it was easier when I thought you were straight,” Zach says, and it sounds like a confession, though Willy can’t figure out why. 

“What do you mean?”

Zach laughs nervously as he wipes the palms of his hands across his thighs. And like, Willy knows it’s not the time, but god, does Zach have amazing thighs. He manages to tear his gaze away from them and look at Zach, though. 

“I like you,” Zach says. 

Willy is beyond confused at that, because. Yeah? They’ve been friends for years?

“I like you too, buddy,” he says, throwing the _buddy_ in there for good measure. 

Zach shakes his head though, “No, I mean, like, I have feelings for you,” Willy thinks he stops breathing, “and it was easier when I thought you liked girls, but then I saw you with that guy, and I don’t know, I was jealous, I guess.”

He’s not entirely sure what to do with, like, any part of his body. He kind of freezes up, he thinks. Because, surely Zach doesn’t feel the same way. Zach is literally, objectively perfect. He’s got a freaking degree, he’s an actual _children’s author_ , he’s always donating to charity. He’s just. He’s perfect. And Willy is kind of a massive disaster. 

He tilts his head to look at Zach, half expecting him to be laughing like it’s all a joke, but Zach can’t even make eye contact. His hands are curled into fists on top of his thighs and Willy can see how tightly he’s clenching his jaw. Oh. Oh, he’s _serious_ , Willy realises. And he’s _nervous_. And Willy definitely can’t allow that, because Zach needs to be happy at all times, always. 

So he doesn’t say anything, he just lifts his hand to Zach’s jaw. He strokes his thumb over Zach’s cheek and turns his head so he has no other choice but to look directly at Willy. He tries to ignore the way Zach’s breath hitches, he wants to take his time with this, but he just can’t. He leans forward, slow enough that Zach could pull away if he wants to, but when he makes no move to stop Willy, he finally, _finally_ let’s their lips brush together. 

Willy kind of expects it to be urgent, frantic after wanting it for so long, but it’s quite the opposite. It’s slow, and almost sickeningly sweet, the way Zach sighs into his mouth and reaches out to hold onto Willy’s waist. He doesn’t even feel the need to speed the kiss up or turn it into something more, he just revels in the way Zach’s tongue dances against his, the way they fit so perfectly it’s almost like they were made for this, for each other. 

Zach pulls back first. He has a shy smile on his face and a dazed look of wonder in his eyes. Really, you can’t blame Willy for pressing another quick kiss to his lips. And he almost melts when Zach lets out a breathless laugh. 

“What was that?” Zach asks. 

“I was only at that bar because I wanted to get over you,” Willy admits, “I’ve wanted you since, like, last season.”

Zach laughs again, and Willy is convinced it’s the most beautiful sound that’s ever existed. 

“I just can’t believe you want me back,” Willy says. 

Zach pulls back a little further at that, but Willy doesn’t move his hands from where they’re planted on either side of his face. Zach is frowning and Willy hates seeing that look on his face, so he leans in again to kiss the tip of his nose. 

“Willy, you’re incredible, _of course_ I want you,” Zach says, so softly it takes the breath out of Willy. 

Zach moves one of his hands from Willy’s waist to brush a piece of hair out of his eyes, then leaves it on his face, his thumb slowly stroking over the blush that’s spreading across Willy’s cheek. 

“Is this, I mean, are we doing this?” Willy asks nervously. 

The smile that spreads across Zach’s face is honestly answer enough, but he kisses Willy again for good measure, long and so slow that Willy’s heart is practically beating out of his chest and his skin feels like it’s vibrating. Zach falls back onto the couch, dragging Willy along with him so they’re lying, stretched out, with Willy half on top of Zach. 

“Yeah, we're definitely doing this.”

*

Later, after messy blowjobs and lots of making out, where Zach had sucked over the hickeys the guy from last night had left on Willy’s neck, Willy is lying on the couch with his head in Zach’s lap. Zach’s fingers are carding through his hair and Finding Dory is playing quietly on the tv. 

“Hey,” Willy starts, shifting so he’s lying on his back and looking up at Zach, “would you mind if I told Auston about this? He’s kind of had to put up with me pining after you for like, the last year.”

Zach laughs and bends down to kiss Willy’s forehead. 

“We can tell whoever you want baby, the more I get to show you off, the better,” Zach replies so casually. 

And Willy fucking _preens_ okay, because that is the softest thing anyone has ever said to him, and it was Zach saying it, and he’s like, in love with him. He’s not sure how he got so lucky, but he kind of wants it to last forever. 

“Wait, does that mean we can tell the team?” Willy asks, because coming out with Zach at his side seems a lot less scary. 

“Of course we can, whenever you’re ready,” Zach says, smiling as he brushes Willy’s hair from his face. 

Willy texts Auston. 

_**Willy:** so me and zach are dating now_

_**Willy:** u should talk to mitchy_

“Do you wanna go out for dinner?” Zach asks, “Like on a proper date?”

And Willy’s phone, and the rest of the world, is quickly forgotten once he pulls Zach down for another kiss.


End file.
